Interpersonal conflict occurs so often, that most of us have acquired a manner of resolving arguments. However, the trouble is that we often employ the same approach to resolving any conflict that arises, and this should not be the case as, more often than not, disagreements are different in nature and thus should be addressed independently.
An example of a conflict that I have once been involved in was during my early university days in 2008. One of my closest junior college friends had tickets for the annual National Day parade rehearsal and she had invited our common group of friends along. However, due to limited tickets available, I was not invited. As a result, I was upset when I found out about it, especially since I was closest to her in that group of friends and I voiced out my unhappiness with the situation and we got into an argument. Back then, I dealt with it in a somewhat childish manner as I just simply stopped talking to the group of them. However, I should have approached the conflict maturely and dealt with it appropriately. The main problem was that she had assumed I was too busy to attend the rehearsal and as such, when on to invite others. While that was the main problem, several other causes made the situation worse such as our distanced friendship as I was the only one posted to NUS with everyone else having gone to NIE. Was the assumption made by my friend the main problem?
Hey Jihan,
ReplyDeleteFirstly, I am grateful that you have decided to share this personal conflict with us although I have not been brave enough to share or even to think about them ( personal conflicts ). I believe this is an example of a situation which most people do face, especially after being too busy coping with school or work which resulted in a tear in their relationships.
Personally, I feel that given the age you were at, I would not have dared to confront my friends, but I would have stopped talking to the group of them too since I feel that I am already left out of the group. It was good that you tried to talk to her to understand more about why you were left out so as not to jump to conclusions. Yet you could have tried to see what resulted in the assumption which constituted the problem. Was it due to
distancing of friendships as timetables got tighter and busier? Though the assumption is the root of the problem it is essential to understand the basis for the assumption. This will then help to resolve the conflict better since if it was due to the lack of time for each other, you could make up by meeting more often when time allows instead of not talking to them, since friendship is a two-way communication system and by not talking to them, you have cut off one side of the communication. Perhaps you could have talked to her again when tensions have reduced. By the way, this is just my two-cents worth of ideas based on what I understand. I believe you know what is best and what had to be done in the situation.
Overall, the content was concise and clear. Thank you for sharing once again.
Ying Hui :)
Hi Jihan,
ReplyDeleteI symphatise with you regarding your unpleasant experience with your friend.
What I will try to do in the following paragraph is to get a better understanding on what really went on in your argument, and from there on, to conclude on a suitable approach on how to approach your question.
Did you give out hints that you were busy at that time? Or did your friend stereotyped the fact that NUS students were busy by nature. If you did give out hints on your busy schedule, then I would think that she had reasons not to invite you. Still, this reasoning has a flaw as the event is usually held on a public holiday, and chances are that you would be free.
Now, we take the view of your friend. She, together with the group, was at NIE while you were at NUS. This gave opportunities (possibly on a daily frequency ) for them to socialise together, thereby reinforcing the group's cohesiveness. Now imagine that she singled out one member and invited you instead. Under such cases, her days at NIE could be unpleasant after the event. Furthermore, she could have been under constant pressure to invite everyone in the group.
As to answer to your question, I do not think that her assumption was the main cause of the conflict. There are very high chances that she experienced conflict of interest when giving out the invitations. Peer pressure could be the cause, and she probably decided to give in because she sees the group on an almost daily basis.
A way to resolve this conflict is to sit down, talk to her and ask her if she had personal reasons for not inviting you. From your description, she was still your good friend of yours at that time. Show your comprehension to her when she gives her own version of the problem.
Christopher
PS, replace: "when on to invite" with "went on to invite"
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ReplyDeleteI think you somehow managed one of the underlying causes of your conflict between you and your friends. Definitely, assumptions should be avoided as much as possible and only applicable in solving complicated mathematical and engineering problems :)
ReplyDeleteAnyway, jokes aside, another cause for the conflict could be pride. Frankly speaking, you ought to have felt that your friend should have gave in and spoken to you first since she was at fault. Similarly, she would have probably shared the same sentiments because she felt her assumptions were justified. If either one of you all could see beyond that, i reckon both of you would have resolved this conflict effortlessly.
I have to agree with that fact that your 'immature' way of handling the issue played a part in worsening the conflict, but since you could see the light at the end of the tunnel now, I think it is still not too late? Besides, it has been more than a year since the onset of the incident, so I think there is a high possibility that you can reconcile with your friend. No friend would resist a catch-up for old time's sake
Thank you for your comments guys. What I eventually did was to talk to her about it a few days after the conflict occurred, and eventually we did work things out. We agreed that both of us were to blame, me for reacting too quickly and her for having made that assumption I was busy. We saw that being friends was going to be difficult especially since we were not meeting often. However, I am glad to say that in this matter the conflict was resolve and we still remain friends. Nothing solves a conflict between girlfriends easier than shopping and Starbucks. =)
ReplyDeleteDear Jihan
ReplyDeleteIt's nice to know the conflict was resolved.
It shows both of you care enough for one another and can build on this frank discussion to deepen your friendship.
I like the picture and the succinctness of the post. I like the clarity of the problem scenario.
However, what I found puzzling is the introductory paragraph.If you said different approaches are needed to resolve conflicts, you need to give two contrasting examples to show how the approaches are different. But this wasn't reflected in the post and perhaps can't be otherwise you would have exceeded the word limit. Perhaps an introduction which explains a different approach is necessary for friends compared to team partners or colleagues would have been better.
One common error students make is the use of the preposition 'out' after 'voice'. It should be "voice one's opinion".
Regards
Happy
A modified introductory paragraph:
ReplyDeleteInterpersonal conflicts are commonplace and as such most of us have the general propensity to resolve them in a default manner. What I mean here is that we regard all conflicts in the same manner when instead we should recognise the differences that different contexts have. For example, one should approach conflicts at the workplace differently from that at home. Conflicts have to be dealt in a professional manner if a disagreement is between colleagues then one involving friends.